Day 7 - Confrontation, am I ready yet?

Today (well yesterday) was probably one of the worst days. Besides being exhausted and fat, I have let my guard down and cried when Ryan mentioned something about my personal appearance. In fact, I cried again when I forced myself to talk about why is it that I still have not lost any weight. Though I don't want to go back and try to restate what I told him, it went along the lines that I am getting close to hitting rock bottom, I am extremely disgusted with myself, I don't enjoy going out or getting up in the morning because it involves me getting dressed and finding that clothes that used to fit me do not fit me anymore...conclusion: I am depressed.I explained that in order to lose weight I do have to hit rock bottom, I do have to not only put exercise into my schedule but to also change the time so that when I usually eat, I am doing something else. It's just such a big process and not easy as 1,2,3. He understood me and took my hand, but my goodness did I feel pathetic. I felt like a criminal who has confessed to doing wrong doing, not to mention I felt weak.

To today is another day, I started out eating some what Healthy. I ate dark bread with butter (Smart Balance, the healthy kind), 2 potato "oladi"w/ sour cream (dk the English name for it - i think it's pancakes), one bite of dark chocolate (yuk, never eating THAT again), and I think that is it.

Right now I am planning to go to the bank, stop by wal-mart, and then head back to school to study some more. Though I was going to work out, I see that there is no time, maybe later today, around 11 pm. Sometimes I just wish that all these things would pass me by, but again, don't we all wish that we become eternally happy without creating gaps that get filled out with tears and a feeling of being depressed.

Day 3 - Blah

Today was a new day...Day 3

I got out of bed, dragged my feet and went to school. Overall it was okay, except for the times when I remind myself that finals are getting closer and closer....

I ate okay I guess, could have eaten better...but, well I did not.

Anyway, I don't feel like writing anything here..I"m sort of feeling blah...like you know when you just don't feel like doing anything and it feels almost like you are forcing yourself to do something against your will?

Anyway, I'm going to sleep.

Day 1 - Change one little thing about yourself.

Hey You,

Today is March 9th, a day after my birthday. Though my birthday went fine, I celebrated it with my parents and my relatives, in addition to my boyfriend giving me a gorgeous ring (not engagement) + friends calling me and wishing me sweetest birthday wishes; I am still not yet a lot to accomplish as to making myself happy and making the happiness last.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, my main issues, that I believe are the cause of other issues as well (actually I did not mention that) is my weight/my appearance. So today,on March 9th, I am wearing the ring, wearing a new shirt (given to me by my grandma/bought by my mom) and debating as to whether I should put on make-up, I think that I will. Although I do not think I need make up, I think that every girl needs its gentle touch - to feel beautiful. I will also put some perfume.

Later today I will go to the gym, I will later list the outcome of today and as to whether I have followed through with what I have just written above.

Wish me luck.

Okay so today went bad. I mean, it started out good. I came to work (I wore make-up and perfume-made myself do it), ate fruit until lunch, then bough egg & cheese bagel and some soup...and then everything went down hill. Closer to 4, I ate my first candy for the day...then I ate two zefir's (Luydmila gave a whole box to me -such a sweet lady)...then I got home (around 6 pm) ate two shishkabobs (meaning:6 pieces of meat), 3 little pickles, and 3 truffle cakes. Enough sad. I feel depressed and disgusted with myself.

P.S. 1 I hate that I do not know when to stop and what I need to do is look for a new job & stop bothering people who do not wish to be bothered - Jackie.

P.S. 2 I'm meeting up with two of my closest friends and I have nothing to wear...ugh, I feel so ugly.

P.S. 3 Maybe I'll work out, but first I gotta do my homework

I cannot do this anymore

Hello reader,

On March 1, seven days before my birthday I simply broke down because of how unhappy I felt with myself. It sounds almost pathetic and sad, but sometimes I need to remind myself that there are reasons, such as my family/boyfriend/and friends, why I need to keep myself alive. Sounds a bit psychotic...I know, and I am not proud of it. So as all these thoughts are rushing through my head, I decided that I should make a list. A list of what I do not hate about myself (I named it, "Things I hate about myself"), a list of things I love about myself (I named it, "Things I like about myself"), and the most important list - a list of "What I need to do to make myself feel happy".

So here they are:

Things I hate about myself

-The way my body is

-The way I dress

-My nails

-My teeth

-My eyesight

-Money issues

-The way my room looks like

-The fact that I feel under-microscope with my 'rents.

-The way my toes are (they curl because of my anxiety)

-The fact that I am always hungry

-The fact that I feel unappreciated

-The fact that I hate getting close to people

-The fact that I get panic attacks and I turn red all the time

-Feeling like an outcast and unwanted or unloved

-I am impatient

-Feel depressed

-Don't know when to stop talking or annoying people

Things I like about myself

-Ambition when it comes to work

-Ability to lead

-Always willing to help

-Honest as to how I feel

-Respect and cautious towards people

Things I need to change to help me become happy

-Work out

-save money and go shopping

-Get a haircut (style)

-Clean my room and personalize

-Get nails and toes done

-Get new glasses or contacts

-Make more "me" time

-Stop thinking that Jackie is my friend

Still working on other ways to help me become happy/ Please let me know if you have any ideas....please?